[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
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The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood