TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
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Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.