It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
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I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then