ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
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3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest