Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
You Might Also Like
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
describing stardew valley
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-