this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
SCARY COSTUME
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
