“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
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I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”