would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
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Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.