According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
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From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Potatoes were such a good idea
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
why am I working on Labor Day
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.