his wife is probably gonna see that
You Might Also Like
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.