Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
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dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen