If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
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Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Just so funny
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave