My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
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When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?