The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
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[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.