Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
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I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Had an epiphany today.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
There are usually two types of merchants.