By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
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I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
If you know, you know 😂🚔
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.