cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
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Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?