If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
If only
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”