If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
My last name is Zilla.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
…..pretty much.
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Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard