Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
My therapist after every session
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*