hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
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My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.