I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
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Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Good morning!
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
twitter users today:
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
got so much cardio in today