Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
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-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Challenge accepted.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.