My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
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sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*