Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
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sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.