Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
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*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
My diet was going really well until I woke up.