My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
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Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.