A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
You Might Also Like
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Shortcut
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh