Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
You Might Also Like
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
@funTweeters I am at your service….
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?