WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
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My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant