this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
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Unsolicited sandwich pics.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.