This is why I hate group projects
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An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
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When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK