My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
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OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?