A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
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ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
set yourself free xox
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen