no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
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Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*