My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
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I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I thought this was funny lol
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.