Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
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2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
thanks auntie mary
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.