[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
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This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
This rocks
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.