I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
You Might Also Like
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams