Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
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[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Sniffing the broccoli
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.