“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
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[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today