How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
You Might Also Like
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle