[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
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Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.