I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
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[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
me when i see my girls butt
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire