Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
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You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people