My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
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55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards