Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
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“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’