Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
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When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I’m too immature for adultery.
water it, i dare you
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Yoga Matt
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Bringing home a sharpie
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth