[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
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Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Life cycle of cat
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty