Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
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*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Jesus Christ lmao
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors